Starting to sink in

In a couple of months, St Louis would have been our home for five years. And our little boy Ben who was just a 2.5-month-old baby when we came here, is the first to miss this place already.

It happened over dinner, when Vern had to let him and Jon know we would have to give Josh and Mr C up for adoption. Josh and Mr C are our two hermit crabs I took the boys to the pet shop to buy last summer. Never mind Jon and Ben admitted that they hardly took care of them. That was when the crying started, and Ben bawled his eyes out.

But it wasn't just about the little critters.

"I will miss my friends...

"I will miss my school...

"Can we bring our house, too?"

Every tear, every word struck a chord in me. I went to hold Ben, hold him close; Ben who is the feeling one, our warm little guy who'd come up and squeeze you tight even if he'd just met you.

Change is not easy, and I'm not a change person myself. And as I went and laid my head on the pillow last night, it's beginning to sink in for me also. Then, this morning, when I opened my mailbox, my heart sank, reading a reply from an old buddy back home that I have just shared this latest news of the family and me preparing to move to WA.

There are good reasons for heading back to Singapore. But with no job, and the current job freeze at the place there with the best fit for Vern, a lot of it is also about timing and opportunities. Being there at the right place, at the right time, among other things to consider.

I blogged about the stressful job search awhile back, and for how buried I am in everyday stuff, did not go into the nitty gritty and did what I could to be the supportive wife. Also because for how bad the economy is, it's a tough environment out there still, there was the very scary and real possibility of not having any outcome at the end of the rigorous process.

We prayed, and so thankful for people who prayed for us, and we waited. And the doors opened.

Isn't life full of the choices we make? The decisions to a large extent are what form our lives. And I'm here today, doing what I do now as an at-home mom and housewife, not the working mother I used to be back home, because of a choice I made. And I give it my best, there are the challenges, and the good Lord takes cares of the rest.

So it will be with moving on, and we will do our best to make it work, for us and for our children. But don't think I am not sad, too, and I know my father is especially so, that we will still be halfway across the globe from him and other loved ones and dear friends such as you.

This is what I wrote back to my pal, and I write it here also because great friendships are so hard to come by:

Please do not stop being in touch with me. I cherish our friendship, and yours being here for me. I know it's going to be hard, but I look forward to being able to meet up again when either of us can visit each other soon.

In the meantime, we still have much to do, much to prepare for what lies ahead.

Good as gold

Decked out in their autumn splendour, trees like this one (above, and bottom right), are such a joy to behold!

There's something good, therapeutic in fact, for me, about these fall colours, besides that they also help break the monotony of my daily commute (read: driving the boys for school, with the baby girl who goes where I go)!

Driving on tree-lined streets, and especially where the boughs hang low, it feels like negotiating through some garden maze. And on highways flanked by colourful mounds, that don't jump out as much other times of the year, I pretend it's the countryside!

Now, I'm not an overly optimistic person. A romantic, maybe. So yes, give me leaves on trees anytime, over the more dreary sight of bare branches and dried wood!

However, if in trying to count our blessings, I've painted a rosy picture of all things, that is not my intention to present a lopsided view of life.

Like everyone, I have my share of headaches and heartaches -- with and without children in the picture. And it wasn't just not good to have mommy meltdowns, but it was also bad timing amid one boy's birthday over the weekend, and important deadlines for the husband this week, when my frustration turned into exasperation =(. The trigger? I just want to be heard!

Enough said. The colours are fading, and the leaves falling faster than I can type this. I'd better go take in as much of these "golden moments" while they last!

Follow me...
... this way (>>>)

... no, I mean...
... that way (<<<)...

... back up one post for more fall colours from the Halloween weekend, besides these "gold series" ones!

Sharing them retrospectively, better late than never, eh?!



Pictures are from two different places, taken a day apart. After the first park on a Saturday, I let the boys have some more outdoor time the next day. I was convinced that it was doing us more good than when they tried to run each other down and wear me out within the four walls of home!

This was all in the same weekend home alone with the children. With Kait, when she wasn't in the carseat, I carried her in the sling wherever we went, including to the once-a-week Chinese school for the boys, for that was the only way for me to try and juggle all three kids by myself.

Faraway friends are gems!

Thank you so much for caring! Sorry I got you worrying, and worried for me.

Today's baby exam turned up normal. The same checks will be done for 10 weeks or so, as that's about how long the virus can act up; hopefully and prayerfully, it will not.

I just want you to know how much your friendship -- that transcends the many miles separating us --means to me! Besides what I blogged, only Ben's teacher here, and a few old friends I emailed, know my anxiety.

Your uplifting words, and lifting up of my family in prayer, really warm my heart! I treasure our friendship, just as I must not take for granted the very precious gift of life.

Here's also wishing each and every one...

A Very Happy Mother's Day!!!
whether you are a fellow mommy, and/or spending it with your mother by your side. And if you are in a home away from home -- as some of you are, you can relate to how we wish all our loved ones are within closer reach!

For me, every time Mother's Day rolls around, I miss my late mom a lot more. It's been over 20 years since we lost her to cancer. And I know it's silly of me, wishful thinking on my part, but I'd imagine having these conversations with her about my children. And she would, in her usual way, be listening, not judging, despite my inadequacies.

Perhaps the most important lesson my mom left behind for me, is to value each person for who he or she is. Something that as a mother, I try to do with my own children. But it's not easy.

On being mom...
I fall into the parent trap of judging, criticizing, and comparing. And even when I'm trying to give my boys the same advantage, and equal opportunities, I know I'm not the only parent who's worked myself up into some crazier-than-crazy schedules.

Ben doesn't have his own ECAs yet, but already, from his classmates' birthday parties, I've had a foretaste of what it's like dropping one child off for one activity, then taking the other to another activity, with just enough time to come back for child no. 1, before rushing off again to fetch child no. 2.

But beyond "surface" things, I need to recognize each child is unique -- to be nurtured and valued individually. And for that reason, as someone had put it, we can't "even-steven" them. There are other things to be learnt and taught as well. Like, sharing, taking turns, and how life itself is sometimes just "not fair" (as all kids have a knack for reminding us parents... sounds familiar?) ;p.

All these I'm learning, still learning, and many more things I have not grasped. But no one's perfect, no mother's perfect. I guess that's also the beauty of life -- with any aspect of it, it is always a work in progress. So we never stop learning!

And it's dear friends like you, the gem that you are -- because you care, and you share, that makes life's journey, with its smooth paths, and twists and turns, so much sweeter! Often, too, it's not from parenting books or magazines that we get the best advice, but you who have been there, done that, and willing to pass on what works, or not, in real life, not just in theory.

Many thanks again for being here for me! HUGS for you now, and God bless you dearly!!!

Midwest Earthquake!

There was a pre-dawn earthquake here!

It was slightly after 4.30am. I was jolted awake by what sounded like a bunch of feet scampering across the roof over our heads!

Is someone up there? Or are we getting hail again? I woke the husband to go check.

Vern turned on the lights, and took a peek out the window. "Nothing, I don't see anything. *Yawn!* Go back to sleep."

It wasn't until morning when we saw the news, that we learned it was an earthquake of 5.2 magnitude, that had rattled Southern Illinois and eastern Missouri! The epicentre was in Bellmont, some 127 miles east of St Louis.

All along, a blur me had assumed we were outside of the earthquake zone. If there's such a thing as a "safe" area, because even in Singapore, we aren't really spared, what with tremors from Indonesian quakes being just as real!

Thankfully, no serious damage has been reported by anyone here. Still, quite scary when you think about it!

It must be more than a coincidence, then, that the play put up by the second-graders (Jon's class) at the Christian school's weekly chapel this morning, was about the promises of God. And it had ended aptly, with the song "Awesome God" -- a timely reminder of His power and sovereignty!

And here's one Youtube clip of it, to share with you also...


This song by Michael W Smith, is an all-time favourite with Jon, Ben, and me. We have the music CD that we play very often, driving between home and school. It's also one of the first worship songs Ben could sing along to!

The Lord’s voice will roar from Zion and
thunder from Jerusalem, and the
heavens and the earth will shake.

But the Lord will be a refuge for his
people, a strong fortress for the people of Israel.

“Then you will know that I, the Lord your
God, live in Zion, my holy mountain...

- Joel 3:16-17

Update: There were two more rounds of the tremors (aftershocks), before the morning was up! Some rattling that I had momentarily dismissed (until the husband called*) as my closing the fridge door too hard! The fridge shook, so did stuff we have on top of it, and a decorative candle structure on the wall behind it was still wobbling away when I walked out of the kitchen!

*The university building was shaking, and the force great enough, it got a grandfather's clock to chime!

Donut or hole...

... which do you see?

Here's another fun thing to do with refrigerated biscuit dough! And because simple baking like this is always "better than playdough!", I saved the recipe that had come banded together with some Pillsbury country style biscuits, to try out for the first time with Ben.

What you need to make these Sugar Donuts (or doughnuts, as they are called here):
One can of biscuit dough -- yields 10 donuts, and 10 centres (that in the absence of a round-shaped cookie cutter, a small plastic cup did the trick for us to hollow out the centre); and 3 TB butter and 1/3 cup sugar are enough to coat the dough, in that order...


So, how do these semi-homemade donuts stack up?


Not quite the Dunkin' Donut or Krispy Kreme you may be familiar with. But it's so lip-smacking, finger-licking good...


Jon helped make more, the second time round!


With some 20 donuts and 20 centres, we shared them with our neighbour's kid and her friend who happened to be over at her place.

There was a little incident after that, when the two girls asked if only Jon could go play with them in the neighbour's backyard. But Ben in his enthusiasm, ran after them, faster than I could put on my shoes. And then, when our door wasn't working properly, I was behind them by a few minutes. By the time I got to the neighbour's backyard, Ben had just flung himself off the swing, right into Jon who was still swinging away quite hard next to him!

I was upset with myself for not having got there faster, even though the whole thing had happened in a flash. Upset also that I had to remind Jon to spare a thought for Ben, when Jon asked if he could stay on to play. But he apparently did not not see all that blood filling up in Ben's mouth. I also tried not to think how this neighbour has a knack for leaving her child with us, and suffice to say she stayed indoors the whole time this incident happened. But Ben was crying so hard, I had to let the girls know the boys and I needed to head home first, for me to know if Ben was alright.

"Love your neighbour as yourself", but am I alone in thinking it's not always easy to be a good neighbour? And while it's nice that our neighbour's child likes to come over to play, I can't always oblige and don't want to make a habit out of it (know what I mean?). Evenings can be quite crazy, when we've just come back after Jon's school, having to settle him down to homework, and with Ben to think about, too. And I do not want to leave both boys, and our neighbour's child, all by themselves in our backyard, when I have to be indoors preparing dinner, or trying to finish up on laundry or some other chore.

Still, I know we mustn't take our neighbours for granted. And there is this dear elderly couple who'll check on us now and then, and that's not easy to come by, the exchange of random gestures. (Remember that clump of hailstones? It was theirs!).

Thank God, only Ben's lower lip was bleeding, and there was just a superficial wound on the chin. Eventually, when the old trick of sugar worked to stop the bleeding, and it was a relief, too, that I hadn't locked ourselves out, we went and asked our neighbour's kid and her friend to come over to our place instead, to continue their playdate.

And that's when all the children helped themselves to more of the donuts! The mothers, when they came to get their girls, didn't seem to mind. Guess a sweet treat every now and then is OK! And well, if you stretch it a little, you could say the donuts were mini lifesavers for our "accidental" playdate! =)



It worked for us:
You could make the donuts plain, as called for in the recipe. I was also thinking melted chocolate -- like sprinkles and choc, or even nuts and choc, but the boys weren't keen on having any chocolate or nuts. So we just added these rainbow sprinkles, and they worked for us quite well!

Maybe you'll like to give them a try, too?

Can't please them all!

I lay there, tossing and turning, not because of the hormones that do keep me wide wide awake like this. But because of someone's reaction, response, certainly more than just a passing remark, that really got to me.

At the end of four months, the exhaustion still hits me bad enough, I wish I were younger. But the queasiness is petering out, and I can't tell you how wonderful that is! Being less averse to what I cook, maybe I can stomach more now -- what with the cravings coming up next, if and when they set in!

But why is this is so hard to swallow? Why do people even say things like that? Am I too much of a people-pleaser, to be bothered by it? Again?

Maybe I didn't know what I was doing, but I really still want to give this my best, and let God do the rest. To these skeptics, I so want to tell them -- do not disparage. But now, if I think like this, I'm no different from them. Not that they care. Others wonder why I haven't been more forthcoming. Need I say more?

Chasing the sun!

Coming back from Chicago the other day, we followed the sun -- as fast as the wheels of our vehicle could take us!

And as though that big orange ball was playing hide-n-seek with us, it would dodge behind the trees, or some building, before appearing again. Then, dipping lower and lower, and going farther and farther to our right, until eventually, it was out of sight. But not out of my mind.

When I'd downloaded these pictures, my elder boy Jon shared my same thoughts, and he said out loud the exact words I had felt would describe these pictures. "Chasing the sun!", for that was precisely what we were doing on that highway!

Now this wasn't one of those glorious sunsets by the sea, with deep dark hues to die for. Still, every bit, a lovely one -- like a beautiful dream to go after!

"From the rising of the sun to the place where it sets,

the name of the LORD is to be praised. "

~ Psalm 113:3

Sunrise, and sunset, such are the everyday things I don't look close enough at.

When the new day dawned, I turned a year older. But I let how I always have to be the one, to remind my three guys to at least greet me with those two special words, get to me. And that was when I realised, that it shouldn't have to take a special day, or special ways, but just everyday things, for me to know what a lucky wife and mother, or sister, daughter/in law, and friend, I am. No, not lucky, just how truly blessed I am!

Praise God from whom all blessings flow!

Soccer season ends with a bang!

Among other things keeping us busy last weekend, Jon and his soccer classmates played their last game of the season. They beat a rather strong team, coincidentally by the same two points they'd lost to them in another game together, earlier in the season.

It was great to see the improvement our team has made, and no better way to wrap up the wonderful season than with a pizza party! One, which all families represented there, got to join in, too!

It's really quite amazing, how every one would show up, game after game, to lend his or her support! And I'm not talking about just soccer moms and dads, and siblings (unless they were also playing in another game, at another field), but also grandmas and grandpas, and sometimes, aunts and uncles, even!

The party ended aptly with Coach Caleb handing out the medals. Jon was the last boy to get his, and Caleb bent over to let him know, he liked Jon "always being out there"! Moments before that, another parent, after the game, had also taken Jon aside to tell him he was proud of his courage!



You know, as a parent, I do really appreciate it whenever another grown-up takes the trouble to tell my children something like this. Whether it's a word of encouragement, to spur them on, or a word of wisdom when it pertains to areas needing improvement.

The Margin
To be honest, I'm rather relieved that soccer has ended, and we get to take a little break from such practise sessions and games that go on twice a week. Because Jon isn't asking to join basketball, the sports coming up next, although I know he will want to be in baseball again, when it comes round again, later! Meanwhile, there's chess, also twice a week (pant, pant!), going on!

Now, it's never stressful for the child going for such activities, simply because he enjoys them, and we let him, within reasonable limits (read: what we can take, and yes, there is a limit!). Still, schoolwork comes first -- no compromise about that, though. But put everything together, and it does come to a packed schedule for the whole family, what with not only school and homework, but also our day-to-day activities to juggle, plus, whatever else we try and squeeze in.

At this time, when I'm asking myself, why I'm always hurrying from place to place, from one thing to another, and being a tad too ready to say yes to a chance here and there that lets us do our bit for others, not just be absorbed in our own lives, I hadn't realized that even the littlest things can all add up.

Yan reminds me of the need to keep a margin...

"This little margin can play magic in your life. It allows you space and unhurried time. If you do not have this little margin, when your children drop something, you burst into temper. When someone step on your toes, you shout at him.

We need this little margin in all aspects of our life – physically, emotionally, financially and spiritually."

Read the rest of Yan's post on "The Margin", here:
http://yantouch.wordpress.com/2005/05/05/the-margin/

Now she wrote this more than two years ago, but it speaks to me today. Thanks, Yan! I needed that!

Can you do with some margin in your life, too? =)

Chess at Columbia

Here's the long (first - for what else should I do with these pictures, if not to write a meaningful post out of them?!) and (then) short of how Jon's very first chess tournament went, last Saturday.

That was when we had to wake up earlier than usual...



... and Ben asked me why the moon was still up!



There was a nice smattering of fall colours, on our two hours' drive to Columbia...



The tournament was held at the University of Missouri, Columbia, in this university town. It's also the city of the Mizzou Tigers, and we could tell as soon as we were parked, that every one there must be a fan!



However, even before the tournament started, we got a fine already. I had mistaken the red "Expired" indicator on the parking metre as it being not-in-operation, as some metres in St Louis would be on weekends. I snapped a picture of our citation (hmmph!), so we wouldn't forget to pay up!



But all was not lost. Ben, who was better from his cold by then, had made it possible for both him and me to come along, so we could all back Jon up, and cheer him on!



Of course, we couldn't actually be with Jon inside that big room where the games were being played, although a lot of parents did linger to keep a close watch through the glass doors.



I did for a little bit (till it got too nerve-racking), and then went and joined the rest of our group, who'd brought along books to read, or work to do. I picked up some campus newspaper instead.



A young journalist from Shanghai, wrote about how, when persuaded that "The World is Flat" (from a book he read, by that title, on globalization), he crossed the Atlantic Ocean to be closer to his girlfriend who was studying in the US. Only, shortly after he started a course in a different state from hers, she broke up with him. And then he was even more convinced that his world was flat -- everything was flattened, his hopes and love. Aw, too depressing for me! I hope he would love again, and still pursue his dreams!

Good thing Ben and Vern were back from part 2 of breakfast. They are my daily reminder of two of my three reasons why I hadn't chosen to be on the other side of the round, round, earth, in the first place!




My cue to take Ben for a walk! We played just outside the building where the tournament was going on. Lovely clock tower, similar to the one at Wash U here in St Louis.





And it was at that tree-lined walkway, that we practically spent the rest of the day. While Jon was trying his best to make good piece development indoors, Ben also had a few great moves of his own!




In between games -- five each that every one played, from morning till evening, Jon and his chess-playing friends, too, came outside for some fresh air...



... besides trying to go over their moves, or play more chess with one another!



It was wonderful too, that as the day wore on, temperatures rose back up, and was warmer than the 5C it'd started out with.



The only other place, outside of that building, Ben roamed to, apart from for breakfast and lunch, was to the university's Archaelogy and Art Museum with Vern.



Don't ask Ben though, what he saw there, because all that had registered with him -- when I asked, were broken male private parts -- that should give you an idea of the kind of sculptures on display! Yes, yes, he's at that age and stage now!

So, how'd Jon do?

The long and short of it, was that he didn't win.

And it could only be the grace of God, that Jon still got to take back a medal, because there were only 10 second-graders in the competition, and he just made it.



But win or not, it was definitely a good experience, and his first exposure to a state-wide competition, although with a total of just over 150 participants, it was a small-scale one.

Now we weren't expecting Jon to win, knowing he had only started playing. Most, if not all the kids he was up against, have been playing for longer; and after the tournament, we were told too, that players from a particular school had really high ratings of about 800. (I'm not familiar with ratings, but I think something like a 500 for a second grader, is already considered pretty good. Correct me if I'm wrong).



So I think it was brave of Jon to have made this first move, encouraged by his teacher to go for the tournament, and he went at it one game after another, including his fourth game, when he played against the boy who eventually emerged the overall champion for that grade (and who must be one of them with the 800 rating)!

Go, Jon, go!



Only in his fifth and last game, Jon cried a little after it ended sooner than the first four he played. But to do his best, was our prayer together, and motivated, too -- to be able to pick out learning points from this experience, and move on to work on staying focused, putting in more practice, and developing good strategies.

Ben was quite amazing too, and was pretty content with just running around, and going after Daddy!







Some whining, and a meltdown here and there, were understandable, given what a long day it was. And so exhausted by day's end, both Ben and Jon fell asleep on the drive back. Only to awake for a late dinner, and go to bed much much later that night!

Still, a day out is always nice, even when all we get to do is be onlookers -- not doing very much, just watching the world go by!



Concentration 101, and prayer request

You don't have to look hard to see the spider-web in this picture...



... but it must have taken a certain amount of effort, not to mention willpower, to get it spun.

Now concentration is something we constantly have to work at, with our boys -- chess or no chess tournamaent. The older one's easily distracted, and the younger one can do with a longer attention span, too. Of course, I'm hardly the good example myself, and take this blog-post for instance, I've left my seat and to do this and that, in between clicking the "create" and "publish post" buttons!



But staying focused does go a long way, especially when there are lots of things that need to be done, and if only we can focus on getting one done at a time.

In reality, however, activities do overlap, if not, are bunched together, with nary a break in-between. And we do have some crazier-than-normal schedules these few weeks, that's like that. Besides school, and school activities and projects, there are other things Vern or I have committed to do our bit also. All these, keeping us on our toes!

Please pray with us for daily strength and determination to see through what we start, as well as not be distracted by what others do or say. There were a few such encounters this week, that made me step back and ask, "Is it me?", and I've had to remind myself to stay focused on the task, and try, try, not to ask, "Or is it them?".

Concentration 101... full throttle!