Ben and me

Two weeks after starting school, Ben still doesn't eat any of the snacks provided by the teachers, nor has he painted his first little masterpiece in class. And when Mrs H couldn't persuade him to string some knick-knacks to make a necklace, never mind that every one has done his or hers, he took them back to work on it with me instead.

All because, like the cookies and the paints, "We have them at home!", as was his reply to the teachers always.

There are more examples, and while some, like the snacks, could be better explained away (because Ben had breakfast already and was keeping his stomach for his packed lunch), there were more that sounded like he was associating everything with home.

Well, nothing very wrong with that. Except that given how clingy Ben can be (and it's not completely his fault, because coming here meant I got to stay home with him, the way I wasn't as "conveniently" available to Jon when I was a working mom before that), I understood what my husband was getting at, when he said it might be better for me not to make a habit out of appearing in Ben's class earlier than pick-up time.

But while I'm going to cut down on going early, and the purpose of my popping in was simply to help the boys and girls clean up after lunch, (not to get close to Ben), I didn't want to say no when asked separately, if I could help out in Sunday School for another year. Now I'm not suggesting I am helper material, and only days ago, someone else who asked if I could be an extra pair of hands in another setting, had likened me to "beggar" material when she used the phrase "beggars (referring to herself as one, too) can't be choosers" on me -- implying I wasn't her choice/idea of a helper. I'd tried not to overanalyze the situation, but put the task at hand first.

What I'm trying to say, is that there are decisions like my Sunday School one, small as it was, that we as parents make for ourselves -- thinking it would be a good idea for us to do this or that, but only afterwards, after the decision was made, realised how it would impact on the family. I'm not rescinding my word to the church, knowing especially that it is still short of help. But from a mom's not helper/helper wannabe's point of view, now, it is something I do feel bad about, because in trying to be an extra pair of hands, I forgot about Ben. About Ben and his separation anxiety, and about his non-stop bawling still at Sunday School (that none of the teachers has been able to let him cry it out), because he associates me with it. And logically speaking, I should not be there.

I know, I shouldn't beat myself up over this one. This was a simple enough choice to help, that need not have been so frustrating after the decision was made. Also, because it's just going to be a matter of time when Ben will take off by himself.

But between now and then, I need to know when and how to let go. The way it might have been easier but it wasn't, when I was left with not much of a choice, when Jon right from the first day of school, already decided that he doesn't want me to give him a peck on the cheek, not anymore, just a hug maybe, before he runs off to his classroom!

Yep, when our babies were in diapers, we couldn't wait for them to walk. But now that they start to grow up, we wish they'd slow down some. How do you stay close and yet give them the room they need? How do you keep your distance and yet let them know you are right there beside them?

Picture above taken by our friend Melvin, last month.