What does it take to be firm with our children?

Homework time has been an extremely, even more uphill task than ever, all of this week. It's one (can be equally trying) thing to get Ben out of the way (and interested in doing something meaningful of his own), so he won't be a distraction, and another, for Jon himself not to always be so distracted, even when Ben is happily minding his own business. Both of them need individual attention, but there's only one of mom, one of dad, and I just think we shouldn't always have to bother the man of the house who has his own work he's pressed for time to do.

New year, old things. This, like our morning routine that has been the case these years and I expect (wish, hope) at least the older child to get it by now, yet, it's something else we have not managed to instil in our seven-year-old. I'm sad, disheartened, tired, and exasperated. There's just so much of the same old things we should have to go over and over again.

Every day this week, Jon has been behind in his schoolwork. We have been spending more than two hours each evening on second-grade homework, and only if one of us sits down with him, if not, he will take even longer, and still not be done. On a 'good' day, and I'm trying not to dread it, it looks something like this:

Half an hour to get a page of cursive writing done (and why, why must the school pick one of the fanciest font types?), half an hour to read chapters out of a book (which thankfully, Jon is doing better by himself now), and over an hour to do a simple Math worksheet of the day, and all the other work he failed to complete in school! And that's not counting all the time wasted to being distracted, very distracted, because of all of Jon's excuses to interrupt his homework with this and that.

There are more worksheets this weekend, not to mention a book report that Jon has first to read up all 170 pages of the biography (and now, I'm wondering if we should have picked a shorter book instead), and another assignment on ancestors (that I am pretty clueless about) to be done as soon as possible.

But you know, there's more to a day, than just trying to get homework done and out of the way. Sigh! What is wrong?

"Is work too difficult, and you cannot keep up?". I asked Jon, for I was understandably concerned, no, make that very concerned! But he doesn't think so, and he is able to do his schoolwork when he puts his mind to it. Then, what's going on?

At first, I thought maybe it could be because we took a break over the Martin Luther Day holiday (more on that, when I get a chance, and we aren't so out of sync with things). Jon missed two days of school, but we also brought along with us a whole lot more to work on, that also, not suprisingly, took a whole lot to prod Jon to get it done while on the trip. Then, once back, his teachers have been telling us how much concentration it takes for Jon, to try and focus in class.

For two days, he also complained of headaches, and it must have felt bad enough, for him to have to call me one time from the school office. But when I gave him the choice, he didn't want to come home early, and asked for some Tylenol instead. Good or not so good for him who was trying out those chewable tablets for the first time, "They tasted horrible, and the medicine did not work," came his conclusion. "Maybe we should take you to the doctor," I was getting worried, but Jon assured me he was fine. Is 7 too young for malingering to start? I couldn't help but also wonder.

I am a worrier, and probably more so now as an at-home mom than if I were caught up with a 9-to-if-only-it-ends-at-5 job. So, I went and sat in Jon's class for a couple of hours, yesterday, while Ben was waiting for me to show up in his 3K class for his Star of the Day.

I was not surprised by what I saw, and it confirmed my guess, intuition, and sixth sense that this is a pre-exisiting problem. Jon who doesn't sit still doing homework at home, who looks at everything else but at his book in Chinese class, is just as distracted in school! More than once, I couldn't take how distracted he was, and went up to poke him in the back, and said, "Could you pay attention, please?".

At one point, I wasn't sure whether he was going to cut up his old Star Wars watch his dad had taken out for him that morning, in the hopes to get Jon to keep time better. All this, while a spelling test was going on. But snip, snip, snip, Jon was snipping away at the rubber strap, and whatever else under his desk (out of the teacher's sight, but of course). And as if being distracted wasn't bad enough, his dawdling worked against him, too. He ended up having to put up his hand twice to ask for the last two words "hummingbird" and "Audobon" in the list, after the other students were all done. The bird he got right, but the artist's name, when he struggled with it, the teacher, who probably also could not take his dillydallying, told him to just hand in his answers.

Is it Jon's laidback attitude, not the lack of aptitude, and our clash in personalities that at least one book about different learning styles I've read, has convinced me plays a part in all this? Or more so, my own lack of firmness, a failure on my part to be a good (good enough) parent?

To cane or not to cane
Nomadic Mom tagged me on whether we use the rod in our home. If by rod, you and I are thinking the cane or "tengtiao", then no. Somehow we didn't have it back in Singapore, nor here, and I don't think either Jon or Ben knows what one looks like.

But the whacks I do give the boys on their bums with my bare hand (and they will tell me, those don't hurt), when they do or say something utterly disrespectful or show their outright disobedience, and more with Ben but less with Jon, because Jon would wrestle with me and wrestle out of it each time, I realize they seem to work better only at a very young age. Already, it does not quite work even for Ben, whom I started the whacks after reading Tedd Tripp's "Shepherding a child's heart" and he was already 2 by then. Either I haven't understood the spanking concept fully, or it's simply because the husband and I interpret the rod to not have to mean the cane.

As the child grows, too, other means of punishment like taking away privileges, do seem to make better sense, and he or she feels it more. I hope we haven't compromised the whole act of discipline by not interpreting the rod so literally -- the way it was for many of us, how we've been brought up, not that the cane left a damning mark or lifelong scar on any of us, since it was used just for those terribly naughty times, not done as an act of abuse.

For me and my children, these old things that crop up again and again, and still need a lot of work as you can see, are like a wake-up call for this mommy to learn to be fimer in my disciplining them, and how better to see through consequences. Not just in getting Jon to be responsible for his own homework. But everyday things, like when I've warned them that there will be no TV, no bedtime story, no snack, if they fight or misbehave, I have to mean what I say. Or when we are outside, they act up, and I've said we will head right home, I should do that and not linger around, trying to still finish up on some errand.

It's so much easier to encourage and reward, and my soft side does come in for too much of all our own good sometimes! But no, tough love is not easy, and I totally agree that it is necessary, for spare the rod (however you interpret the rod to be), and we end up spoiling our children.

This tag has been going around for awhile now. You can read more about some other parents' ways/views here and there, among other places. I would like to highlight the point raised by Kopi Soh (aka Firehorse), that if you have to strike, be sure you are not doing it out of anger, or taking it out on your child. And you know what they say, parents should also give ourselves a time-out to cool down some, if we have to, so we can think clearly what punishment to give, instead of doing or saying something we regret later.

I will not be tagging anyone specifically. But it will be very helpful to hear from as many of you, whether you are a mom of young children like me, or you've been there, done that -- what works for you, or not! Your sharing always means so much to me, and I really appreciate it whenever you take the trouble to drop me a line. Now I don't deny it, this crazy adventure called PARENTING can drive me pretty crazy!

In the meanwhile...
Like an ultimatum to Jon, we've told him that we will have to stop chess, and not sign up for any more tournaments, and the baseball season coming up -- all of which I would hate to have him give up, knowing they will offer a fine balance to just schoolwork only -- if he does not make an effort to keep up with what's within the curriculum. Is that fair?

And a few basic things, like making sure the boys go to bed early enough, we are also trying to be consistent with, so there's no excuse for running late in the morning, and starting the day on the wrong footing, or being on time but arriving in school feeling tired already. Which, for all I know, could be the reason why Jon is behind, because he didn't get a chance to settle into his schoolday nicely in the first place.

Every day, it's been the same bedtime prayer I say with Jon, for him to focus, for him to do his best. I just look forward to when things won't be so out of whack. The constant, almost non-stop fighting between the brothers is another big thing, that saps me so, but that's another story, and enough of ranting already! =(